Golf Jokes : Tell me the truth : Golf Jokes
A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me? Well, she replied, since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions. What? How could you? Let me tell you about it, she said. The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didnt have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free. Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time? Do you remember that VP of Sales promotion you desperately wanted, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and he gave you the job. Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time? Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become president of the Golf Club, and you were missing 53 votes...
Golf Jokes : Precious Cargo : Golf Jokes
A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. When the man finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and said, Baby I am sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo! The girlfriend looked at him and said, Oh, that is so sweet baby! Then the guy quickly corrected her, No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!
Golf Jokes : LOFT : Golf Jokes
Three duffers were taking lessons from a pro. The first hit it way to the right. The pro said It is due to LOFT. The second hit way to the left. The pro again said is due to LOFT The third trying and the ball just went a few feet and stopped. The pro said, LOFT. All three questioned the pro about LOFT. He replied, Lack Of Fricking Talent.
Golf Jokes : 10 Minutes Late : Golf Jokes
The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late. On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfed left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, 'George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that? George replies, Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed. Well, one of the employees questioned, What happens if she is laying on her back? George replies, Then I am 10 minutes late.
Golf Jokes : Bet Your Sex Life : Golf Jokes
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, I would give anything to sink this next putt. A stranger walks up to him and whispers, Would you give up a fourth of your sex life? The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, Okay, and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole. The same stranger moves to his side and says, Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life? The golfer shrugs and says, Sure. He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match? The golfer says, Certainly! He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, You know, I have really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life. Nice to meet you, says the golfer. My name's Father OMalley.
Golf Jokes : I Will Make It Feel Better : Golf Jokes
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain. No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I will be fine... he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals. Doesnt that feel better? she asks. Well... yes... That feels pretty good, he admits. But my thumb still hurts like hell.
Golf Jokes : Play At Night : Golf Jokes
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, What is with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Ineptitude! The pastor said, Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Lets have a word with him. Hi George. Say, whats with that group ahead of us? They are rather slow arent they? The greens keeper replied, Oh, yes, that is a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, That is so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. The doctor said, Good idea. And I am going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them. The engineer said, Why cant these guys play at night?
Golf Jokes : First Time Golfer : Golf Jokes
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he would try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green. The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. Now what? the fellow asked the speechless pro. Uh... you are supposed to hit the ball into the cup, the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. Oh great! NOW you tell me. said the beginner.
Golf Jokes : True Golf Story : Golf Jokes
This really happened one day at our local Country Club... Harold, an elderly golfer who walked the course every day, walked off of the 18th green after experiencing a dismal round. A few Club Members were standing out behind the clubhouse and watched Harold walk past and down to the pond behind the clubhouse. Harold then took his bag of clubs and threw them as far as he could into the pond. He then turned around and made his way to his car. He sat in his front seat with his head bowed for what seemed like a long time. The other members were beginning to get concerned and started to go over and check on the poor old guy. Just as they started over, however, Harold got out of his car and headed back to the pond. It seemed, much to the members delight, that Harold was having a change of heart. He waded into the pond up to his waist, and found his bag. He then unzipped the compartment on the side, pulled out his car keys, dropped the clubs back into the water and went home. As far as I know his clubs are still there.
Golf Jokes : What a Deal : Golf Jokes
Two golfers were getting ready to tee off one morning and one says to the other: Hey! I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!
To which the other golfer exclaims:
Golf Jokes : A Hole Behind You : Golf Jokes
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, I am on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole. He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, I am on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th. Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady .... well, I am in sales also. What do you sell? She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh. No I wouldnt, he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold. Well if you must know, she answered, I sell Tampax. With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, See I knew you would laugh. Thats not what I am laughing at, he replied, I am a toilet paper salesman, so I am still a hole behind you!
Golf Jokes : Womans Tee : Golf Jokes Golf
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. Would the gentleman on the womans tee back up to the mens tee please!! I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, Would the MAN on the WOMENS tee kindly back up to the mens tee. I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: Would the man on the womans tee back up to the mens tee, PLEASE! I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the fuck up and let me play my second shot?
Golf Jokes : Could Have Been Worse : Golf Jokes
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, It could have been worse. To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself! That is awful, said Frank, but it could have been worse. How in the hell, asked his bewildered friend, could it have been worse? Well, replied Frank, if it happened the night before, I would be dead now!
Golf Jokes : Mother Nature : Golf Jokes
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the left and the other drive goes to the right. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot but in the process she hacks the heck out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks the path to the golfers bag and looks at her and says, I am Mother Nature and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea. The mystery woman then disappeared as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, Honey, where are you? I am over here in the pussy willows, he hollers. The wife screams back, Dont hit the ball!!!! Don't hit the ball!!!!
Golf Jokes : Hit Over The Tree : Golf Jokes
A young man, who was an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and did not waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green. After the young man spent several minutes debating how to hit the shot, the old man said, You know, when I was your age I would hit the ball right over that tree. With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball, which smacked solidly into the tree and dropped to the ground about one foot from where it had originally lay. The old man remarked, Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.
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