World of Golf Handicap
Golf Jokes

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Golf Jokes : Missed Again

A preacher was watching a man playing golf. When the man was putting on the third hole, the ball rolled right by the cup when it should have gone in. God dammit, missed again! cried the golfer. The priest was shocked. Don't say that, he exclaimed, or God will punish you! The golfer did fine until he was on the ninth hole, when the same thing happened again. God dammit, missed again! he yelled. If you say that one more time, then God will punish you, the priest warned. The golfer lasted until the eighteenth hole, when he missed an easy putt for a third time. God dammit, missed again! he screamed. A huge bolt of lightning streaked out of the sky and hit the preacher. The golfer looked up at the sky, puzzled. Just then, he heard a big voice coming from the sky and saying, God dammit, missed again!

Golf Jokes : Best 2 Balls Hit : Golf Jokes

A golfer comes into the club house after a bad round. The pro says, It looks like it was a pretty rough day. The golfer replays, You bet it was. The best two balls I hit all day was when I was coming out of the sand trap and stepped on the rake!!

Golf Jokes : Still In The Crate : Golf Jokes

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says, How bad is it doc? I am going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way.

The doc said, I will have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week. So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She says, You will be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts.

He whips down his pants and says, Look at this, it is still in the CRATE!

Golf Jokes : Name Of Game : Golf Jokes

There was a proper Chinese businessman visiting a newly acquired business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took him out to a golf course for a round of golf. The man had never played the game before.

Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. The man replied, Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture . . .

.....Name of game is Oh Sh**t.

Golf Jokes : Golf Lessons : Golf Jokes

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right.

The golf pro says to the woman, I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip.

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husbands club. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing. She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, That is unbelievable, I did not think you would do that well. But now on to the next problem. How do we get that golf club out of your mouth?

Golf Jokes : Wives Funeral : Golf Jokes

Two men were playing a round of golf one day. Just as they were about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession went by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Clyde, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.

Gee Clyde, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that, his friend said.

Well, Clyde replied, I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least that I could do.

Golf Jokes : Emergency Room : Golf Jokes

A man walked into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him what had happened. Well, it is like this, explained the man, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

Well, we went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when I lifted its tail, there was my wifes golf ball.

And? pried the doctor.

Well, that is when I made my mistake. I lifted the cows tail and yelled to the misses, This one here looks like yours.

Golf Jokes : Keep Your Head Down : Golf Jokes

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.

Being a hack golfer, he played poorly all day long. Round about the 18th hole, he spotted a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looked at the caddy and said, I have played so poorly all day, I think I am going to go drown myself in that lake.

The caddy looked back at the hack golfer and replied, I do not think you could keep your head down that long.

Golf Jokes : Playing With God : Golf Jokes

Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond.

On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.

Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one. Moses then turned to Jesus and said, I hate playing with your Dad.

Golf Jokes : Golfing With Wife : Golf Jokes

A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.

What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green.

He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific (whack!) the ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.

What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green.

No, the man replies, last time I did that I got two over par.

Golf Jokes : Stranded Golfer : Golf Jokes

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.

Man: Hi. Am I ever happy to see you!

Girl: Hi. It seems like you have been here along time. How long has it been since you have had a cigarette?

Man: It has been ten years. With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man: Oh thank you so much!

Girl: So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?

Man: It has been ten years. The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle.

Finally, the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?

The man looked at her and said excitedly: Oh, my God, do not tell me you have got a set of golf clubs in there, too?

Golf Jokes : Taking a Shower : Golf Jokes

A visiting golfer played 18 holes with his buddies, but needed to shower quickly and head back to his hometown. Having found the men's locker room showers full, his partners suggested he use the ladies showers as it was Saturday and members only day.

He had a great shower and just stepped out of the cubicle when three women walked into the locker room. Quick as a flash he retreated into his shower cubicle.

One woman whispered to the other two, Is that a man in our shower? To which they replied that it was. The woman asked her colleagues to kneel on the floor and look under the gap between the cubicle and the floor.

The first woman looked and could only see the man from the waist down, replied, That is not my husband.

The second woman repeated the exercise, looked and replied, That is not my husband either.

The third woman, a crusty old timer got down on her knees and peered under the wall, stood up and proudly reported, He is not even a member at this club.

Golf Jokes : It is a Gimmee : Golf Jokes

This beautiful, well-endowed, shapely young blonde arrives at her course alone and joins a threesome of men. All through the round, with the help of tips from the three men, she arrives at the 18th hole at 98 with only a 6-foot putt left to break 100.

She tells the men, I have never broken 100 since I started playing golf two years ago. I am so anxious to break 100, that which ever one of you men gives me the best tip as to how to sink this putt, I will reward him by making love to him right here on the green. He will enjoy it so much that he will remember it, and tell all his friends the ecstasy he experienced for the rest of his life.

The first guy checks the line and break from all sides and suggests that she borrow three inches right of the hole and just stroke it hard enough to drop it in the hole. The second guy agrees, but tells her to hit it firmly and slam-dunk it in the hole.

She looks around for the third guy and finds him frantically undressing right down to his birthday suit. She asks him what on earth he is doing. He replies he has won the love making session. She tells him he hasn't even given her his tip. To this he replies, Pick it up; it is a gimmee.

Golf Jokes : Visiting a Golf Course : Golf Jokes

An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of Philadelphias most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well-known golf course.

On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?

Oh, yes, indeed, said Auntie, beaming. Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way, she added, as she held out her hands, I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they are all about.

Golf Jokes : Different Meanings : Golf Jokes

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. It is only fair to warn you, Jody, I am a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf.

Well, since you are being honest, so will I, she said. I am a hooker.

I see, said Bill as he thought for a moment. Well, it is probably because you are not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.