World of Golf Handicap
Golf Jokes

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Golf Jokes : Mothers Day

Three men gathered together for a round of golf on Mothers Day. The men were quite surprised at being Let Go for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.

The first man said, I purchased a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go.

The second man said, I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go.

The third man said, I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her: Golf course or intercourse, and she said: I will put your clubs in the car.

Golf Jokes : Golf Widow : Golf Jokes

A golf widow concedes that if she is ever to see her husband she needs to learn the game. So she goes to the country club and signs up for lessons with the golf pro. They get out to the course and the pro instructs her to hold the club as she would her husbands organ.

She hits the ball and the pro exclaims, Beautiful!! Great shot, right down the center of the fairway! Now, take the club out of your mouth and we will go for distance.

Golf Jokes : 17 Wives : Golf Jokes

A German, Englishman and American are traveling on a train. They get bored and start telling each other about their families. The German says I have 4 kids, one more and they will make a basketball team. The Englishman says huh! That is nothing I have 10 boys, one more and I will be the world-champion soccer-teams coach. The American starts laughing. He says I have had 17 wives and no kids!! But one more wife and I will open a golf course!

Golf Jokes : Talented Dog : Golf Jokes

A Man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. The friend has a little dog with him and on the next green, when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.

The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dogs and says, That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?

Somersaults. Somersaults!!!! How many of them does it do?? Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!

Golf Jokes : A Small World : Golf Jokes

Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed like hours.

I will ask if we can play through, Bill said as he strode toward the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel and went back to where his companion was waiting.

Can not do it, he explained, sheepishly. One of them is my wife and the other is my mistress!

I will ask, said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back before reaching the green.

What is wrong? Bill asked. Small world, isnt it?

Golf Jokes : The Affair : Golf Jokes

A man went to a motel one Friday afternoon with his secretary. They had intense sex, then both fell asleep. About 8:00 pm they both woke up. The secretary said, hurry get up and get dressed, your going to be in trouble with your wife. The man said starting getting dressed and told her it was no problem. Take my shoes outside and drag them through the mud and bring them back. The man arrives at home and walks through the door. Where the hell have you been, ask his wife. Well I went and got a room and had intense sex all afternoon with my secretary. I feel asleep and just woke up, He replied. His wife looked down at his shoes. You lying bastard, you've been playing golf again!

Golf Jokes : Deaf Mute : Golf Jokes

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please? The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right. The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

Golf Jokes : The Beggar : Golf Jokes

A beggar asks for a handout from a rich man, who says, You are not going to spend it on drink, are you? The beggar says he does not drink, so the rich man asks if he will throw it away in a crap game or playing golf. The beggar says he does not gamble or golf, so the rich man invites the beggar home for a meal. The beggar then asks if the mans wife will be upset to have a guy like him at the table. Probably, says the rich man, but it will be worth it for her to see what happens to a guy who does not drink, gamble or play golf.

Golf Jokes : Robot Caddy : Golf Jokes

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free. The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.

The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.

He informs the golfer that they do not have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.

The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.

The golfer asks him why they did not just paint the robots black?

The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them did not show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.

Golf Jokes : Georges Wife : Golf Jokes

George was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

It is the wife said George. As you know, she has taken up golf, and since she has been playing, she has cut my sex down to once a week.

Well you should think yourself lucky said his partner. She has cut some of us out altogether!

Golf Jokes : Skydiver : Golf Jokes

What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes, WHACK! Damn.

A bad skydiver goes, Damn. WHACK!

Golf Jokes : Monday Morning : Golf Jokes

A man arrived at work on Monday morning speaking in a whisper. A co-worker asked what was wrong. He said that his inability to speak was the result of having played golf on Saturday. He explained I really smacked one off the first tee but it sliced badly and went over a fence into a cow pasture. I scaled the fence and looked for my ball without success. I was about to climb back over the fence into the fairway when I saw another ball come over the fence. It rolled against a cow who was lying on the ground chewing her cud. I then saw a lady scaling the fence and I called to her Over here, lady. When she got close, I bent down and lifted the cows tail and said Does this look like yours, lady? and she hit me in the throat with her driver.

Golf Jokes : Pregnant Caddie : Golf Jokes

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it would not hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner! The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. Yes? replied the teacher. Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

Golf Jokes : St. Peter : Golf Jokes

A golfer arrives in heaven. St Peter meets him at the gate. We usually do not get golfers here you know, they swear too much, he says to the golfer. I have only taken the Lords name in vain once, Sir, the golfer replies. Tell me about it, St. Peter says. Well, I hit my tee shot badly. It hooked deep into the woods. And that is when you took the Lords name in vain? St. Peter asks. No, the ball hit a tree and bounced out towards the center of the fairway but it ended up in the fairway trap. And that is when you took the Lords name in vain? St. Peter asks again. No, I hit a great sand shot, but it caught a branch and fell twenty yards short of the green. And then you took the Lords name in vain? St. Peter asks impatiently. No, I chipped it and it stopped 6 inches from the cup. To this St. Peter exclaims, Godammit. Do not tell me you missed a six-inch putt.

Golf Jokes : Impress My Wife : Golf Jokes

Two male golfers are standing on the 10th tee. Bill takes about 20 practice swings, changes his grip 5 or 6 times, and changes his stance just as much. Hey Bill what are you doing? Play for heavens sake. We do not have all day! says Jim. Hold on a minute, I have do this right. See the woman standing up there on the clubhouse porch? That is my wife and I would like to get off the perfect shot, replied Bill. Jim looks, and about 250 yards away he sees Bills wife. You must be kidding. You could not hit her from here.