World of Golf Handicap
The Very Best Golf Quotes

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We hope you like the best golf quotes we have found. This has been one of the really fun topics to put together. It is just amazing how many funny and very serious golf quotes by some of the names we have seen around for years. We looked around for quite awhile to accumulate so many quotes and put them in one area. We have organized the many golf quotes by the person quoted. There are so many quality quotes by some of the biggest names in golf. On this page you will find links to our golf quotes for the most famous golf celebrities. You might be surprised by some of the crazy things our golf idols have said. Remember, this is the Handicap Fun Ideas section, so we hope you enjoy your time here.

Golf Quotes.....Golf Quotes

• If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.....Dean Martin

• They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.....Raymond Floyd

• Nothing goes down slower than a golf handicap.....Bobby Jones

• Eighteen holes of match or medal play will teach you more about your foe than will 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.....Grantland Rice

• Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.....John Updike

• It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place this world is when one is playing golf.....Robert Lynd

• I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That's the distance my left ear is from my right.....Ben Crenshaw

• Golf is like a love affair. If you don't take it seriously, it's no fun, if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart.....Arthur Daley

• Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can't play it.....Ted Ray

• The number of shots taken by an opponent who is out of sight is equal to the square root of the sum of the number of curses heard plus the number of swishes.....Michael Green

• If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.....Paul Gallico

• They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.....Gardner Dickinson

• I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.....Will Rogers

• The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.....Phyllis Diller

• A game in which you claim the privileges of age, and retain the playthings of childhood.....Samuel Johnson

• I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.....G.K. Chesterton

• If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.....Joey Adams

• Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole in one.....Martha Beckman

• In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base.....Ken Harrelson

• If I can hit a curveball, why can't I hit a ball that is standing still on a course?.....Larry Nelson

• Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective.....Huxtable Pippey

• My handicap? Woods and irons.....Chris Codiroli

• The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things.....John Updike

• Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And it took a seven to do that.....Jim Murray

• The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.....Pete Dye

• I'd play every day if I could. It's cheaper than a shrink and there are no telephones on my golf cart.....Brent Musburger

• Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.....Jim Bishop

• Play it as it lies, is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other is Wear it if it clashes.....Henry Beard

• Some of us worship in churches, some in synagogues, some on golf courses.....Adlai Stevenson

• A golf course is nothing but a poolroom moved outdoors.....Barry Fitzgerald

• Playing the game I have learned the meaning of humility. It has given me an understanding of futility of the human effort.....Abba Eban

• One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. No matter what you shoot - the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin all over again and make yourself into something.....Peter Jacobsen

• You are meant to play the ball as it lies, a fact that may help to touch on your own objective approach to life.....Grantland Rice

• Golf isn't like other sports where you can take a player out if he's having a bad day. You have to play the whole game.....Phil Blackmar

• The trouble that most of us find with the modern matched sets of clubs is that they don't really seem to know any more about the game than the old ones did.....Robert Browning

• Golf is an open exhibition of overweening ambition, courage deflated by stupidity, skill scoured by a whiff of arrogance.....Alistair Cooke

• No game designed to be played with the aid of personal servants by right-handed men who can't even bring along their dogs can be entirely good for the soul.....Bruce McCall

• Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins.....Jim Murray

• Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result.....Tommy Armour

• A hole in one is amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass through on its way to the hole.....Mac O'Grady

• You can't call it a sport. You don't run, jump, you don't shoot, you don't pass. All you have to do is buy some clothes that don't match.....Steve Sax

• Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.....Robin Williams

• There is one thing in this world that is dumber than playing golf. That is watching someone else playing golf. What do you actually get to see? Thirty-seven guys in polyester slacks squinting at the sun. Doesn't that set your blood racing?.....Peter Andrews

• The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green.....Ernest Hemingway

• One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball.....Don Carter

• Golf is a game in which the ball lies poorly and the players well.....Art Rosenbaum

• One thing about golf is you don't know why you play bad and why you play good.....George Archer

• If you wish to hide your character, do not play golf.....Percey Boomer

• Golf is golf. You hit the ball, you go find it. Then you hit it again.....Lon Hinkle

• All I've got against it is that it takes you so far from the clubhouse.....Eric Linklater

• Baseball players quit playing and they take up golf. Basketball players quit, take up golf. Football players quit, take up golf. What are we supposed to take up when we quit?.....George Archer

• Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.....Harry Vardon

• Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.....Woodrow Wilson

• Find a man with both feet firmly on the ground and you've found a man about to make a difficult putt.....Fletcher Knebel

• If you call on God to improve the results of a shot while it is still in motion, you are using an outside agency and subject to appropriate penalties under the rules of golf.....Henry Longhurst

• The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.....George Deukmejian

• I don't like number 4 balls. And I don't like fives, sixes or sevens on my cards.....George Archer

• This hole right here can have a par of anything you want it to be. Yesterday it was a par 47 - and I birdied the sucker.....Willie Nelson

• Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golfclubs and the fresh air.....Jack Benny

• My best score ever is 103. But then again I've only been playing for 13years.....Alex Karras

• As a golf professional I'll tell you the amount of flex you need in the shaft of your club. Remember, the more flex, the greater the strength you'll need to break it over your knee.....David Wright

• The hardest shot in golf is the 90-yard wedge, where the ball has to be played off a tree, bounce back into a bunker, hit a stone, bounce onto the green, roll to the cup, hit the pin and drop in the hole. That shot is so tough I've only made it once.....Zeppo Marx

• He enjoys that perfect peace, that peace beyond all human understanding, that peace which cometh at its maximum only to a man who has given up golf.....P. G. Wodehouse

• A Coarse golfer is one who shouts Fore when he putts.....Michael Green

• I'm going to give you my secret of golf. You can't play a really great game unless you're so miserable that you don't worry over your shots .... look at top-notchers. Come on, have you ever seen a happy pro?.....P. G. Wodehouse

• Murphy's first law of golf : you can't lose an old ball!.....John Willis

• Golf practice - something you do to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice.....Henry Beard

• What do I like about golf? well it certainly ain't the low scores.....Huey Lewis

• Golf - the second best pastime that any sinner on this earth can have.....R. H. Lyttelton

• The most exquisitely satisfying act in the world of golf is that of throwing a club. The full backswing, the delayed wrist action, the flowing follow-through, followed by that unique whirring sound, reminiscent of a passing flock of birds, are without parallel in sport.....Henry Longhurst

• Can you name me one single case where devotion to this pestilential pastimehas done a man any practical good?.....P. G. Wodehouse

• Your best shots in golf are your practice swing and the conceded putts. You'll never master the rest!.....Lord Robertson

• Unlike that other Scottish game of whisky drinking, excess in golf is not injurious to the health.....Sir Walter Simpson

• No two courses or rounds are ever so alike that you can attack them with exactly the same game plan.....Robert Trent Jones, Jr.

• Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.....Winston Churchill

• The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it.....Bob Allen

• Never bet with anyone you meet on the first tee who has a deep suntan, a one iron in his bag, and squinty eyes.....Dave Marr

• Ninety percent of putts that are short, don't go in.....Yogi Berra

• Years ago we discovered the exact point, the dead center of middle age. It occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net.....Franklin P. Adams

• Love and putting are mysteries for the philosopher to solve. Both subjects are beyond golfers.....Tommy Armour

• Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.....Jack Benny

• Retire to what? I'm a golfer and a fisherman. I've got no place to retire to.....Julius Boros

• How has retirement affected my golf game? A lot more people beat me now.....Dwight D. Eisenhower

• Golf is an ideal diversion but a ruinous disease.....B. C. Forbes

• Golf has probably kept more people sane than psychiatrists have.....Harvey Penick

• If I had my way, no man guilty of golf would be eligible to any office of trust under the United States.....H. L. Mencken

• Income Tax has made more liars out of the American people than Golf.....Will Rogers

• The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.....H. G. Wells

• When Nicklaus plays wells well, he wins. When he plays badly, he finishes second. When he plays terribly, he finishes third.....Johnny Miller

• On the driving range at the 2000 MasterCard Championships, Lee Trevino was razzing George Archer and his oversize driver. Look at the head on that thing, he yelled. It's bigger than a Volkswagen. In fact, I don't think you could get it into a Volkswagen.....Lee Trevino

• The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.....Roger Simon

• A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible.....Bugs Bunny

• If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.....Jim Harris

• May thy ball lie in green pastures and not in still waters.....Bob Hope

• If you don't succeed at first, don't despair. Remember, it takes time to learn to play golf; most players spend their entire lifetime finding out about the game before they give up.....Stephen Baker

• In golf I'm one under; one under a tree, one under a rock, and one under a bush.....Gerry Cheevers

• Nobody ever looked up and saw a good shot.....Don Herold

• What a shame to waste those great shots on the practice tee.....Walter Hagen

• My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling people I taught her how to play golf.....Bruce Lansky

• Golf tips are like aspirin. One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle you will be lucky to survive.....Harvey Penick

• Golf is based on honesty, where else would you admit to a seven on a par three?.....Jimmy Demaret

• Mulligan: invented by an Irishman who wanted to hit one more twenty yard grounder.....Jim Bishop

The Best Golf Quotes of:

Arnold Palmer

The Best Golf Quotes of:

Ben Hogan

The Best Golf Quotes of: Bob Hope

The Best Golf Quotes of: Bobby Jones

The Best Golf Quotes of: Chi Chi Rodriguez

The Best Golf Quotes of:

Dave Hill

The Best Golf Quotes of:

Gary Player

The Best Golf Quotes of:

Jack Nicklaus

The Best Golf Quotes of:

Lee Trevino

The Best Golf Quotes of:

Sam Snead

The Best Golf Quotes of:

Seve Ballesteros

The Best Golf Quotes of:

Tom Watson

The Best Golf Quotes of: Tommy Bolt

The Best Golf Quotes of:

Miscellaneous

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We hope you did have fun here. Golf is such a great game and taken way too serious at times. This is one of those times you just have nothing but fun with the game we all love, GOLF.


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