Golf Jokes : Bad Sex : Golf Jokes
The man replied, Well, every time we have had bad sex, I put a golf ball in there. That is not bad, the wife replied, we have been married for 25 years and theres only nine in there, but what is with the money? Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold them.
Golf Jokes : Celebrity Golf : Golf Jokes
Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers? O.J's a slicer, Monicas a hooker, Ted Kennedy can not drive over water, and Clinton cant seem to hit the right hole!
Golf Jokes : Tiger : Can I Play : Golf Jokes
Tiger Woods is visiting a posh and popular southern states-area Country Club after winning the Masters Championship. He finds the front doors locked. After ringing the ornate doorbell, a club member sticks his head out and looks Tiger up and down. Can I help you?, he asks. Tiger replies, Yes, I would like to play a round of golf at your club. The uppity club member shocks Tiger by saying: Sorry, you can not play here. The club for your kind is about a 4 iron down the road. Angered almost beyond control, Tiger straightens his green jacket and screams, But, I am Tiger Woods, the 1997 PGA Masters Champion!!! The man, obviously embarrassed, hits himself in the forehead and says, Oh, Tiger Woods! I am so sorry! It is only about a 6 iron for you.
Golf Jokes : Playing From The Bushes : Golf Jokes
Three friends were playing their regular Saturday morning round of golf. They were joined on the 1st tee by a stranger who proceeded to hook his drive into the bushes. The stranger and his caddy went to look for the ball while the other three waited on the fairway. After about five minutes when the golfer and the caddy failed to reappear, the three others went in search of them only to find the golfer performing anal sex on the caddy. Get away from there, you nasty fellow, the three others shouted. Please, please, you do not understand, said the golfer, when we came into the bushes, my caddy suffered a heart attack and I was only trying to revive him. But that is not how you revive someone when they suffer a heart attack, shouted the three others, You have to give the person mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I know, retorted the golfer, How the hell do you think this started?
Golf Jokes : How Is Your Son Doing : Golf Jokes
Three members of a foursome are standing in the fairway waiting for their fourth to hit his ball from 30 yards into the right rough. While waiting, one guy asked another how his son was doing. The fellow replied, Really great !! You know that he is a car salesman and he sold so many cars last year that the dealership told him he could give a car to anyone he chose, and at no cost. That is wonderful, said the first guy. Sounds like my son, who is a boat salesman. He sold such a high dollar amount of boats that the dealer gave him a 19 foot runabout to give away to anyone he wished. The third fellow chimed in, That is amazing! My son sells condos for a living and he also did so well last year that the developer told him he could give a 1 bedroom unit to anyone of his choosing. About that time, the fourth member gets back to the fairway and joins his buddies. One asks, John, how is your son doing ? John replied, Oh I would rather not talk about him if you dont mind. I just found out that my son is gay. Oh wow, that is a shame John, said the first golfer, That must be Hell for you to deal with. Well I guess it is not all bad said John, Just last month he received a free car, a free boat, and a free condo !!
Golf Jokes : Pee The Furthest : Golf Jokes
A man and lady golfer were betting and by the end of the first nine, it was obvious that the lady was no match for the man. Going into the second nine, the lady doubled the bet which the man agreed . At the end of eighteen holes the lady had lost both rounds. By then, it was getting dark and the lady suggested that they play a few more holes to judge her game. Obligingly, the man agreed. After teeing off, it was obvious that play would have to be halted due to the darkness. The man suggested that they walk back to the clubhouse for a drink and also to settle the bet which he had won. Being a lousy loser, the lady decided to have one last bet. Looking around, she noticed that there was nobody on the course. Look said the lady to the man. We will have the last bet of the day with an additional of 100 dollars bonus if either of us should win. Being the winner, he did not want to be called a coward and so he agreed. Let is see who will pee the furthest. Both agreed. The lady took off her pants and undo her knickers. Squatted down and she began. The man took the measurement and it measured a putters length. After the lady finished dressing, the man began to unzip and with his right hand took out his prick to start. At this juncture, the lady said, No free lift!
Golf Jokes : Viagra : Golf Jokes
Bill and Sam were two old retired golfers in their 70s who went out of town often on golf vacations. One weekend they decided they would go on a trip to California and play Pebble Beach. As they were playing, Bill was telling Sam how good the new Viagra pill was and Sam didnt have much to say about it. That night, Bill went off to sleep and Sam got to wondering about the pill. So he got up, found some of the pills in Bills suitcase and took one. He lay there a few minutes and nothing happened. He thought that Bill had been pulling his leg so went off to sleep. A couple of hours later, Bill awakens only to hear this loud banging on the wall. He turns on the light and sees Sam hitting the headboard hard with the back of his wrist as fast as he could. Sam Says, What the hell are you doing Sam? Sam says, I got my first hard up in 10 years and both my hands are asleep.
Golf Jokes : The leprechaun : Golf Jokes
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. Goodness, says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes. The man says I ca not take anything from you, I am just glad I didnt hurt you too badly, and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I will give him the three things that I would want. I will give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life. Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, I am fine, and might I ask how your golf game is? The golfer says, It is great! I hit under par every time. I did that for you, responds the leprechaun, And might I ask how your money is holding out? Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is? Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, Well, maybe once or twice a week. Floored the leprechaun stammers, Once or twice a week? The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, Well, that is not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.
Golf Jokes : Playing Golf Before Church : Golf Jokes
A pastor had a really bad golf habit and, since most of his days were spent helping the community, the only time he could sneak a round in was on Sunday morning. He felt quite guilty about this but just could not find any other time to play. One Sunday morning he was alone on the links, and God and St. Peter happened to look down upon him. St. Peter said, Look at that man of God, playing golf before church on Sunday, I believe he should be punished. Your right, God replied, and snapped his fingers just as the pastor made contact. The ball sailed right at the hole and dropped in for an ace. Why did you do that? St. Peter said. I think he should be punished and you give him a hole-in-one! Sure, God replied, but who is he going tell?
Golf Jokes : Gods Golf Tip : Golf Jokes
This hacker approaches the 18th tee box, It is a par 3 island green surrounded by water. Well after his so far terrible day of golf, He decides he had better use an old golf ball. He steps up to put the ball on the tee and hears a voice from above. The voice says, USE A NEW BALL. So the guy proceeds to pull a new ball out of his bag and tee it up. He hears the voice again. TAKE A PRACTICE SWING. So the guy takes a practice swing. Then he hears the voice again PUT THE OLD BALL BACK!
Golf Jokes : President Clinton : Golf Jokes
President Clinton got together with some of his golf buddies for a round. When they got ready to tee off on hole No. 1, Clinton removed his golf jacket and revealed that he had a pair of panties stuck to his upper left arm. Nobody in the group had enough moxie to ask about it, so they played their eighteen holes as usual. When the game was completed, and drinks were flowing profusely at the 19th Hole, one of the group got enough Jack Daniels courage, and asked, Mr. President, what is the story on those panties you have stuck to your left arm? Clinton replied, It is a patch...I am trying to quit.
Golf Jokes : Next Wife : Golf Jokes Golf
A husband and wife were sitting at the 19th hole when, suddenly, the wife starts thinking of death. She turns to her husband and asks, Honey, if I pass away would you give your next wife my $5,000.00 diamond ring? The husband replies Of course I would, I would not want to see it go to waste. The wife then asks, Would you give her my collection of mink coats? The husband replies, Of course I would, I do not want to see them turn into moth food. The wife then asks, Would you give her my set of Callaways you bought for me last week? Of course not, the husband says, She is left handed!!!
Golf Jokes : The Genie : Golf Jokes
A bad golfer was searching for his lost ball in a cave when he came upon an ancient lantern in the dirt. He rubbed it hard, and out came a genie. The genie said, Today is your lucky day. I will grant you three wishes, but be forewarned anything that I grant you will be granted to your mother in law in double quantity! Cool, the bad golfer thought as he pondered his three wishes. First, I would like one set of Callaway Tungsten-titanium irons, he told the genie. Your wish is granted, said the genie, and your mother-in-law has just had two sets of irons delivered to her home. Second, I would like one million dollars to travel the world golfing. said the bad golfer to the genie. Your wish is granted, replied the genie, One million dollars has been deposited into your bank account, and I have placed 2 million dollars into your mother-in-laws bank account. All right! the bad golfer thought, Now, for my third and final wish, I would like you to scare me half to death!
Golf Jokes : New Ball : Golf Jokes
On the first tee one golfer brags to his partner about his wonderful new ball: It is impossible to lose. If you hit it into the woods, it begins beeping so you can locate it easily; if you hit into water, it releases a buoy and floats to the surface. Fantastic, where on earth did you ever get it? Oh, I found it yesterday on the third hole!
Golf Jokes : Another Genie : Golf Jokes
A man and his wife were playing golf one day at an exclusive club. Immaculate fairways lined by million dollar houses. The man tells his wife, Honey, whatever you do, do not hit the windows of one of these houses. It will cost a fortune to have it replaced. As fate would have it, on the 15th tee, she shanks one right through the plate glass window of a mansion. The husband says Well, lets go over and see what it is going to cost us. They knock on the door and a voice says come in. They walk in and see the broken window and a broken vase on the floor. A man on the couch says Are you the ones that broke my window? They reply yes and apologize. The man on the couch says, No, I want to thank you. You see, I am a genie and have been cooped up in that vase for a thousand years. You have freed me. I have three wishes to use. I will give each of you a wish and keep the 3rd for myself. He asks the man What is your wish? He says, I would like to have a million dollars each year for the rest of my life. The genie says It is the least I can do, there is a million dollars in your bank account now. He asks the woman, What is your wish? She says, I would like to have a house in every country of the world. The genie says, It is done. The husband then asks the genie, What are you going to wish for? The genie replies, Well, I have been cooped up in that bottle for a thousand years and I have not had a woman in all that time. I would like to sleep with your wife. The man tells his wife, You know honey, that is a lot of money and all those houses. I do not really mind. The woman agrees and she and the genie go upstairs. The genie ravishes the woman for 2 hours. After the genie is done, he asks the wife, How old is your husband? The wife says, 36. Why do you ask? The genie says, 36 years old and he still believes in genies!
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