Golf Jokes : Streaker : Golf Jokes
One sunny spring day, there was a foursome of ladies at Cherry Hills Country Club about to play a par three, 165 yards long. Quite suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway, a streaker bounded across the open expanse of the fairway. In a gasp, one of the women remarked, Oh my! I think I know that guy. Is not that Dick Green? No. replied her blonde golfing companion. I think it is just a reflection from the grass.
Golf Jokes : Golfer Confessions : Golf Jokes
A man goes to the confessional. Forgive me father, for I have sinned. What is your sin, my child? the priest asks back. Well, the man starts, I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible. When did you do use this awful language? said the priest. I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards. Is that when you swore? No, Father. said the man. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away. Is THAT when you swore? asked the priest again. Well, no, said the man, You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away! Is THAT when you swore? asked the amazed priest. No, not yet. The man replied. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball. Did you swear THEN? asked the now impatient priest. No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole. You missed the %#$*& putt, didnt you? sighed the priest.
Golf Jokes : Devil and The Golfer : Golf Jokes
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, I would give anything to sink this next putt. A stranger walks up to him and whispers, Would you give up a fourth of your sex life? The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, (OK) And sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole. The same stranger moves to his side and says, Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life? The golfer shrugs and says, sure, and he makes an eagle. Down to the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match? The golfer says, certainly, and makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, you know, I have really not been fair with you because you do not know who I am. I am the devil and from now on you will have no sex life. Nice to meet you, says the golfer. My name is Father OMalley.
Golf Jokes : The Old Golfer : Golf Jokes
Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says, Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we will not bring you next time.
Golf Jokes : Which Hole? : Golf Jokes
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, I am on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole. He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, I am on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th. Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh. No, I would not, he said. She said, I sell tampons. With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, See, I knew you would laugh. That is not what I am laughing at, he replied. I am a toilet paper salesman, so I am STILL one hole behind you!
Golf Jokes : Charlies Hole In One : Golf Jokes
Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, What took you so long? The guy says, That was the worst game of golf I have ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack. The guys wife says, That is terrible! The guy says, I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie. . .
Golf Jokes : Cow Tail : Golf Jokes A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened. He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his. A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cows tail and asked, Does this look like yours? That was the last thing he could remember.
Golf Jokes : Wide Stance : Golf Jokes
A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it. What happened? Asked the doctor. I got stung between the first and second hole, replied the lady golfer. The doctor replied, You must have an awfully wide stance!
Golf Jokes : Mother Nature : Golf Jokes
There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right. They decided that since the shots were so bad, they would just meet up at the hole. So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball would not come out. Well, finally Mother Nature got mad. She came up from the ground and said to the man, I have created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I am going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year. The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups. Mother Nature said, Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny? The man looked up and said, My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows.
Golf Jokes : Golf With The Pope : Golf Jokes
One day a man named Bob was playing a round of golf with the Pope. On the first hole, Bob hits the ball into a sand trap, Damn, I missed. says Bob. The Pope says, you should not say that it is bad. Later on in the day on the ninth hole Bob hits the ball into the water. Damn, I missed. says Bob again. The Pope says, Do not say that, next time you do, God will strike you down with a lightning bolt. Close to the end of the day on the last hole, Bob hits it an inch short of the hole. Damn, I missed. says Bob once again. The Pope looks into the sky as the clouds start to split apart. Then a lightning bolt comes down from heaven, striking and killing the Pope. Gods voice echoes, Damn, I missed.
Golf Jokes : Eight Iron : Golf Jokes
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, Jack, I have got trouble down here! Whats the matter? Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. Bring me my wedge, Joe shouted. You can not get out of here with an eight iron!
Golf Jokes : The Deaf Mute Golfer : Golf Jokes
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please? The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right. The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.
Golf Jokes : The Perfect Shot : Golf Jokes
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball! The guy answers, My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot. Give me a break! You do not stand a snowballs chance in hell of hitting her from here.
Golf Jokes : Too Much Sun : Golf Jokes
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, Its not a ship. The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, Its not a boat. The speck gets even closer and he thinks, Its not a raft. Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, How long has it been since you've had a cigarette? Ten years! he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, Man, oh man! Is that good! Then she asked, How long has it been since you have had a drink of whiskey? He replies, Ten years! She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, Wow, that is fantastic! Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, And how long has it been since you have had some REAL fun? And the man replies, My God! Do not tell me that you have got golf clubs in there!
Golf Jokes : Golf Injury : Golf Jokes
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: Please allow me to help. I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you would allow me!, she told him earnestly. Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I will be alright...I will be fine in a few minutes, he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: How does that feel? To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.
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